Listening Lounge

Through the lens of Equity, Diversity, Equality & Inclusion, a think piece on 'The Myth of Perfect Parenthood' - the subtlety and power of parenting ideologies.

---

On Thurs 18th September 2025, we were delighted to host our online, 'Listening Lounge'. This free, podcast-style workshop is part of our 'Trusted Spaces' workstream, where we bring together members of the grassroots perinatal mental health community to explore how to genuinely nurture and embrace EDEI within our services.

The Listening Lounge is a Hearts & Minds Partnership project brought to you by our brilliant 'Root Makers' - a collaborative and diverse team of people from our sector working alongside Hearts & Minds to help work towards a more inclusive and equitable sector. You can find out more about the Root Makers here.

For this Listening Lounge, we focused on the topic of, 'The Myth of Perfect Parenthood' - looking at the subtlety and power of parenting ideologies.

We explored our theme through a springboard talk, deep-level listening, a live poetry performance, a song sharing, an optional wellbeing exercise and a generous panel discussion derived from lived experience and with plenty of room for change-making conversation. Our speaker was Illiyin Morrison (Birth Trauma & Specialist Midwife) and joining us on the panel were Jacob Stokoe (Birthing Parent, Educator & Writer at Transparent Change) and Trudi Webber (Antenatal Educator, CSR Consultant and Training Lead at Make Birth Better).

Illiyin, Jacob and Trudi all generously and sensitively shared their own lived personal and professional experience of this topic, which is one that affects so many of us in one way or another.

As ever, the VCSE representatives attending asked incredibly thoughtful questions which were reflective of not only the immense expertise within the sector, but also the unwavering commitment to working with and for ALL families. It seems that our own personal awareness of the pressures of unrealistic parenting 'ideals' is a valuable and dominant driver in the compassionate care we want to deliver during the perinatal period and beyond.

As a means of continuing this theme, Illiyin has been kind enough to write a think piece on 'The Myth of Perfect Parenthood' and we are delighted to share it here, on the Hearts & Minds blog.

NB: Beneath Illiyin's piece, you will also find a beautiful poem called 'The Ritual of Folding'. This was written by our panellist, Jacob and also performed by him during our Listening Lounge.

PARENTING BEYOND PERFECTION

Learning to respond, not perform

I’m a mum of two incredible, unique little humans with personalities that constantly surprise me and their dad. Before having children, I thought: We’re two people, we’ll create two more, and they’ll be somewhat similar. How wrong I was. They are very different - different needs, different temperaments, different stages of life - and that means they need very different parenting.

And sometimes, we get it right. Sometimes, we really don’t.

That’s the first myth worth breaking: good parenting isn’t about never getting it wrong. In fact, you often need to “get it wrong” before you can figure out what’s right. Parenting is a constant dance of trial and error - what works one day may not work the next. I remember when my daughter first slept through the night. I thought: Yes! We’ve cracked it! I repeated every single thing the following night, convinced I’d found the magic formula . . . and it didn’t work. That’s parenting in a nutshell: sometimes you find the rhythm, and sometimes the rhythm changes.

The truth is, parenting isn't about perfection, it's about responsiveness

THE WEIGHT OF GUILT AND SHAME

One of the biggest traps parents fall into is guilt. We replay moments, question our choices, and measure ourselves against impossible standards. But guilt, like any other emotion, is just information. The important thing is how we use it.

Ask yourself: Is this guilt serving me, or shaming me?

• If it’s serving you, it might be highlighting something you want to change - maybe a boundary you need to strengthen, or a need you’ve been neglecting

• If it’s shaming you, it’s simply keeping you stuck. Shame doesn’t move us forward; it only keeps us small

  
  

At the centre of this process is you. Your wellbeing matters because when you’re better, your children are better cared for. That means tending to your own needs isn’t selfish - it’s essential.

INTENTION OVER PERFECTION

Perfection leaves no room for nuance, and parenting is full of nuance. Every decision we make is influenced not only by who our children are, but by culture, community, faith, social expectations, even social media. What’s considered “perfect” parenting in one space may feel irrelevant - or even harmful - in another.

That’s why the idea of a single, universal “perfect parent” is a myth. Instead, we need space for responsiveness, for fluidity, for difference.

Your version of “good parenting” may not look like mine. And that’s okay. What matters is that your choices feel safe, thoughtful, and aligned with your values and your children’s needs. That’s not perfection - that’s intention.

THE TAKEAWAY

So, let’s release the grip of perfection and replace it with something more human: responsiveness, intention, and grace for ourselves when we inevitably stumble. Parenting is a series of experiments - getting it wrong, getting it right, apologizing, adjusting, and trying again.

Comparison will always whisper, They’re doing it better than you. But the real question to ask yourself is: Why am I doing what I’m doing? If your answer feels true, safe, and nurturing, then you are exactly where you need to be.

Because ultimately, being a “perfect parent” isn’t possible. But being a responsive parent? That’s where the magic lies.

---

If you'd like to find out more about Illiyin's work as a Birth Trauma and Specialist Midwife, you can visit her website or find her on Instagram.

---

The Ritual of Folding

by Jacob Stokoe

I am kneeling at the altar of my dryer

performing a ritual of folding

as the clothes pile higher

and my knees are aching

and my back is breaking

as I carefully move

to keep my sleeping baby from waking

and yet, 

the cozy baby on my chest smells fresh

and I remember a time

where I imagined this scene

and knew

this was the best that life could get

a time where this was just a dream

and my babies were an aching need unmet

So as my back and my knees perform a quiet flagellation

I will continue to kneel in grateful supplication.

There is elation to feel in this humble revelation

As I tried to heal from the hurt I held

when this mundane life was just an aspiration

I am kneeling at the altar of my dryer,

and it doesn't matter that the clothes pile higher

I am grateful for the mess

I will take the worst and I will revel in the best

and shoulder the rest

for the sleeping baby on my chest

You can watch a video of Jacob reading his poem on Tik Tok here.

---

Special thanks to our Root Makers team who worked on the Listening Lounge: Lauren Parr from Make Birth Better and Aileen White from My Birth Support CIC.

If you'd like to find out about the next Listening Lounge, as well as all the other Trusted Spaces that Hearts & Minds provides for the VCSE in perinatal mental health, please visit this page of our website. You can also sign up to our newsletter to make sure you don't miss a beat.